Surviving devastation
by sarahbelikovcullen
Summary: WARNING THIS DEALS WITH STILLBIRTH.  How could you as a person survive if the worst thing possible was to happen.  This is an emotional journey through grief so powerful it can be overwelming. on hold for the moment.
1. prologue

_**WARNING...THIS STORY DEALS WITH STILLBIRTH AND THE EMOTIONAL JOURNEY THAT YOU TAKE.**_

_**The majority of this story comes from personal experience and that of friends and family who sadly have had to deal with the devastating loss of their children.**_

I felt heavy and uncomfortable now. Even though being thirty eight weeks pregnant with Edwards child was one of my dreams I couldn't wait for it to be over and for us to have our much wanted child here in our arms.

I lay down on the sofa to rest as I was exhausted, my head resting on Edwards lap and my feet high up on cushions to try and reduce the selling of my ankles.

I could feel the baby squirming away inside me.

"Quickly give me your hand."

Edward laughed in delight as he felt our child moving about. I felt an almighty kick and saw Edwards hand move with the force of it.

"Well I think that we will certainly have a footballer with the moves that are being made today."

I smiled indulgently. I know that he wanted a boy so that he could have the kind of relationship that he had had with his adopted parents. He wanted to be able to do all the things with a son that he had missed out on in the earlier years of his life.

"I'm hungry, I need to eat."

"What is it this time that you would like love? Bacon, sausage, Ice, brick dust?"

He said the last one with laughter evident in his voice. He had heard of some of the strange cravings that pregnant women sometimes had.

"No just plain old eggs will satisfy me before bed time."

"Your wish is my command."

I inhaled the eggs that Edward made, for a man he was a very good cook and I always enjoyed what he made.

"I'm going to go to bed love I am beginning to feel a little nauseas."

"OK love, I will lock up the house and I will be up shortly."

I waddled slowly up the stairs to the sumptuous bedroom and changed into a loose fitting nightdress.

Laying down on the bed I sank into the mattress gratefully enjoying the feeling of relief now that I was laid down and the weight of the baby wasn't resting on my back so much.

I began my nightly ritual of singing a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow- way  
up high  
in the land  
that I heard of once  
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow- skies  
are blue  
and the dreams  
that you dare to dream  
really do come true

Someday I'll wish upon a star  
and wake up  
where the clouds are far behind me  
Where troubles melt like lemon drops  
away above the chimney tops  
that's where you'll find me

Someday I'll wish upon a star  
and wake up  
where the clouds are far behind me  
Where troubles melt like lemon drops  
away above the chimney tops  
that's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow  
skies are blue  
and the dreams...that you dare to dream  
really do come true  
If happy little bluebirds fly  
above the rainbow, why  
Oh, why can't I?

I must have fallen asleep quickly as I wasn't aware of Edward coming to bed although in my subconscious I knew he was there as I snuggled up to him as much as my body would allow.

I awoke in the early hours of the morning needing to have a toilet break and realised that I had not been woken by the baby kicking which was unusual but I knew that there was not much room to move and that it was to be expected that it would slow down a little just before birth.

I went back to bed not thinking of anything apart from how much I couldn't wait to meet my baby.

I awoke the next morning starving. My thoughts from the night before totally gone from my head as I enjoyed the eggs and bacon that Edward had prepared for me.

He had decided to start his paternity leave now and then use up his yearly holidays so that he could be there as soon as labour started.

I spent the remainder of the morning putting the finishing touches to the nursery with Edward keeping his ever watchful eye on me so that I didn't over exert myself.

I sat down on the beautiful pale wood cream rocking chair that we had purchased and looked around with pride. Everything was now perfect and ready for its new occupant.

I placed my hands on my stomach and felt nothing. I thought back and realised that I had felt no movement from the baby since yesterday evening.

"Edward, can you please call the midwife for me? I need to ask her something."

I tried to keep the concern from my voice as I didn't want to cause him any worry.

He came rushing up the stairs with the phone in his hand looking excited.

"Has it started?"

"No my love, I haven't felt any movements and I want to check and see if this is normal at this stage of pregnancy,"

"I would have thought so, try not to concern yourself everything will be OK."

I explained to the midwife that I had felt no movements and she advised me to go down the the maternity unit so that they could do a trace on the baby to make sure that my labour had not started and that the baby wasn't in any distress.

We arrived at Forks hospital and were directed to the labour ward where we were immediately placed into a side room.

The midwife came in and checked my temperature and blood pressure and also requested the urine sample that I had remembered to bring so that they could test for infection.

She came back to say that all the checks on me had come back okay and that she was going to use the sonicaid machine so that they could trace the baby's heartbeat and to check for contractions.

As she placed the pad on my swollen stomach and turned on the sound we heard a steady "_thump thump"_

"Baby must be hiding or laid in an awkward position as that is your heart that we can hear."

She moved the pad around my stomach, her face giving nothing at all away.

"I want to go and get someone else to try as I don't appear to be having any joy, I will be back as soon as possible. Please try not to worry this has been known to happen before."

I began to cry softly, the fear that I had felt on my way to the hospital came to the surface but I couldn't bring myself to put those feelings into words.

The midwife came back with the consultant who had brought a larger machine with a monitor attached to it and we both recognised the scan machine.

"Hi, Let me introduce myself I am Dr Newton the Head consultant here on the maternity unit. Miss Stanley has told me that your baby is being a monkey and is hiding from us so we just want to scan to see if we can get the correct position for the trace."

He squeezed the cold clear gel onto my stomach and ran the probe over my stomach spreading the gel to enable him to get a clear picture. He kept the monitor facing us and both Edward and I looked at it eager to get another glimpse of our child.

What we saw stillness, there was no movement at all just pure stillness.

"I'm just going to turn the monitor so that I can take a closer look at what is happening."

I already knew in my heart what he was going to say but nothing in the whole world could ever prepare me for the words.

"I'm so so sorry but your baby has no heartbeat."

_**A/N**_

_**This is only the prologue of this story. I know that stillbirth is a very sensitive and taboo subject but sadly it does happen. 17 babies a day die in the UK through stillbirth and the parents that have to go through this find themselves shunned because people do not like to talk of it.**_

_**I hope that by telling this story I can raise awareness and that it will show that if you know someone who has gone through this devastating time that they need to talk about their child.**_

_**I have 3 very special Angel nephews and many friends who I have found through the SANDS (Stillbirth and neonatal death society) and I want to thank them for their input into this.**_

_**Lots of love and hugs**_

_**sar**_

_**xxxx**_


	2. 20 weeks

_**Thank you so much for the overwhelming response to the prologue.  
It is a hard subject to write about, I hope and pray I do it justice.  
Love and hugs  
sar  
xxxxx  
**____**  
**_Sitting in the waiting room of the maternity unit, at Forks General Hospital with Edward was a moment I hoped to remember for the rest of my life.

I was twenty weeks pregnant with our first child, and it was the first time seeing our baby. We are both so elated. 

I thought back to the day I'd told him I was pregnant…..

_Flashback:  
_

_We had been married for just three months, we'd always been careful. Saying we wanted to enjoy being a married couple for at least two years before we started a family.  
_

_I'd been feeling nauseous again, for the fifth day that week. I really hoped that the gastro bug I'd had six weeks ago wasn't returning. Working in a small care home made it inevitable that bugs and illness spread through the residents and staff like wildfire.  
_

_That day I made my way to old Mr. Crowley's room. He was one of the oldest residents at the hospital, and unfortunately for me he ate like a pig, and I was on bath duty.  
_

_I opened the door and the smell that hit me was enough to make me heave and run to the nearest toilet. All the lunch that I'd eaten that afternoon came rushing back up, as I was quietly ill. I rinsed my mouth out, took a deep breath and returned.  
_

_"Come on Mr. Crowley, it's time for your bath."  
_

_"Ooh Bella, its so nice to have a beautiful lady washing my back for me," He smiled perversely.  
_

_I wanted to refuse washing him, but knew that all it would do was cause friction between me and the queen bitch Lauren. God, she'd been was horrendous the week before, bad tempered, moody and hormonal. I always knew when it was my time of the month as it coincided with hers...  
_

_Oh shit! I left Mr. Crawley looking rather confused, as I ran to the office to check my diary. Leafing back through the pages I looked frantically for the small red spot that signaled the arrival of aunt flow. I began to panic, as realization dawned on me, I __hadn't had a visit since just before I had been ill. Which meant I was almost three weeks late for my period.  
_

_I sat in the chair in shock, laying my hand on my flat stomach, I think I knew then, I was pregnant. I had been on the pill so how the hell had it happened?  
_

_I now knew the reason for the nausea, the extreme fatigue, and the constant need to visit the bathroom. I needed to get a test to confirm it, and sooner rather than later. I couldn't risk lifting any of the residents if this was the case.  
_

_I decided I needed to leave for the day, I had to get the test done. I also had to find a way to tell Edward. Shit !What was he going to think? Was he going to be angry or disappointed? Maybe he would decide that he wasn't ready for a child yet, what would I do then?  
_

_I found Mrs. Cope, the lovely compassionate matron, and asked that I be allowed to go home. I explained to her that I was beginning to feel nauseas again, and I didn't want to pass it on to any of the residents. She looked at me as though she knew that I was lying. As she bade me goodbye, she advised me to rest while I could.  
_

_I stopped at the local pharmacy on my way home and wandered over to the pregnancy tests. I didn't know which one would be the most accurate, so I bought one of each brand. I knew that if I waited, I could pee in a dish and do them all at the same time.  
_

_Driving home in Edward's beloved silver Volvo, I could feel my heart rate increase and rivulets of sweat snake down my back. I was so nervous about what the tests would reveal. One part of me was desperate for them to be negative and yet the other more prominent part of me wanted to have Edward's child so badly, that I knew I would be devastated if it was all just a false alarm.  
I sat at the dining room table and laid all the different tests out, reading the instructions for each separate one. I began to giggle softly to myself, as I took in all ten tests. If they didn't give me the answer then nothing would.  
_

_I felt the desperate urge to pee, so contemplating how I could do all the tests in one go, I pulled a jug from the cupboard and tried to contort myself into a position so that I could collect what I needed.  
_

_I collected my sample and cautiously went back to the table. I was nervous now, but made myself dip each of the tests in the urine and laid them all out in a fan. They all said that they needed about five minutes to give me a result.  
_

_I went to get a drink of milk, my mouth and throat dry as I waited. The five minutes that were needed for the results seemed to take forever, time appeared as though it was crawling by.  
_

_I decided to change out of my uniform while waiting. I pulled on a pair of soft denim jeans I'd had since I was a teenager. I was lucky that I was still slim enough to fit into them, although they were getting to a stage of tatter, which meant they would have to be retired soon.  
_

_This was it now, I couldn't put off looking at the tests any longer. I was terrified of what they would reveal, my heart was beating a fast and strong thump in my chest. The butterflies in my stomach intensified so much that the nausea returned.  
_

_"Oh grow up Bella, you are an adult, a married woman for God's sake! What's the worst that can happen?" I muttered as I walked back down the stairs and into the kitchen, where the tests awaited me.  
_

_I picked the first test up and saw two clear blue lines. I closed my eyes and opened them again wanting to ensure that what I had seen hadn't been a mirage. I checked all the other tests and they all had the same positive result.  
_

_Shit! I was pregnant. What was I going to tell Edward? How was I going to tell him? Would he think that I had done this deliberately?  
_

_I have to admit I was terrified. Would I know how to be a good mother? Would Edward want to be a dad straight away? I placed my hand on my stomach and decided that no matter what was said to me, I wanted this tiny little life that was growing deep inside me. I felt a seed of love begin to shoot and bud for this tiny little child.  
_

_I knew that I would have to tell Edward straight away, there was no way that I could keep this from him. I decided that I would cook him his favourite meal and wait until he was relaxed and fed before I gave him my news.  
_

_I made creamy pasta chicken, and garlic bread. And had the wine resting on the small table in the dining room. I had made every effort to make it special, laying out the china bought by his parents, as a wedding present. I had candles placed all around the room.  
Edward came home and called out to me. He knew I was home as he'd seen the Volvo parked in the driveway._

_"Bella what are you doing home? I thought that you were working until later tonight?"_

_"I wasn't feeling too well so Mrs. Cope sent me home to rest. I'll be going back tomorrow."_

_He looked at me with concern in his eyes, as he took in my pale face._

_"You don't look well love, let me take a shower and then I will make us something to __eat."_

_"I already cooked, I was just waiting for you to shower so I can serve it."_

_He kissed me gently and I sighed as he pulled me into his arms._

_"What would I ever do without you?"_

_As he showered I reheated the garlic bread, and changed into a floaty midnight blue dress that Alice bought me for my birthday the previous year. It was all soft and girly and gave me the confidence I wasn't really feeling.  
_

_I brought the tureen of pasta out and set it on the table alongside the garlic bread and poured Edward a glass of wine. I thought about having a small amount and then remembered the life that was inside me and went to retrieve a glass of iced water that I had already poured._

_I sat at the table quietly, totally lost in thought. I didn't register that Edward had come into the room until I felt his lips on the back of my neck. I felt the blush stain my cheeks as my body instantly responded to his.  
He smiled softly as he sat down, and only then did he take in the appearance of the room._

_"What's the special occasion love?"_

_"Nothing." I responded quietly, not fully looking at him for fear that he would see the secret in my eyes._

_"Bella you are so quiet tonight, what is wrong? Are there problems at work or with Charlie or Renee?"_

_"No, nothing like that. Edward I have something that I need to tell you. I don't know how to say it, so I am just going to show you."_

_He looked at me perplexed, as I went to the sideboard and opened the drawer. I pulled out the tests that I had taken earlier in the day and handed them to him._

_He looked first at them and then at me complete confusion clouding his features. I could feel the _

_tears begin to gather in my eyes as I watched him, waiting for his reaction. I so scared that he was going to reject both me and the baby that was growing in me._

_He looked up at me, comprehension slowly dawning in his eyes. I could see it clearly, it was as though somebody was slowly opening a curtain and letting the sun in._

_"Bella." He croaked, his voice husky with emotion. He pulled me into his arms, for a __slow and gentle kiss full of love.  
_

_I pulled back from him, not sure what this meant for us, only to see a smile of such beauty that it took my breath away.  
_

"Mrs. Cullen?"

I was pulled out of my musing by the sonogram doctor calling my name. Edward and I stood and were shown into a small room with a bed and a large machine attached to a monitor.

"Hi, my name is Kate and I will be performing your scan today. Is this the first child?"

Both Edward and I nodded. Kate had a read through my maternity notes, asking questions about my medical history, asking how I had been feeling myself.

"Have you been feeling any movements from your baby yet?"

"I have felt flutters and the occasional movement, but nothing definite or regular yet."

"That's good, that is perfectly normal for the gestation stage you are at. You wont begin to notice any pattern until about twenty three weeks. I noticed that your OB-GYN has put down that you were suffering from severe morning sickness. Has that settled down now?"

"Yes thankfully. I am now managing to eat without wanting to vomit it all back and can handle the smells around me."

"Okay then, I want you to lay on the bed so that your head is raised and your back is flat. Lift your top up so that the hem can be tucked into your bra."

As I made myself comfortable, Kate turned on the monitor and began to make notes that included my name, date of birth and the name of the hospital. She turned to me with a smile and pulled my maternity trousers down so that they rested low on my hips and the panel at the front exposed my slightly swollen stomach to just below my pubic bone.

"Right, I am going to add some gel to your stomach, it'll be cold, but it will help the probe glide over your stomach better. That way we can get a better image. Are you ready to see your baby?"

Although she had told me that she would be putting gel on me, she hadn't told me just how cold it would be. I couldn't stop the jerk as it made contact with my skin. She laughed slightly and apologized. She used the probe to spread the gel over the expanse of my belly and began to apply a little pressure.

I reached for Edwards hand, as a grainy image appeared on the monitor in front of us. I could make nothing out from the shapes that I was seeing, in fact if I am being honest, it just looked like a grey and white swirling mass.

"Okay, here we go, I will be taking some measurements today, as well as checking that all the major organs are healthy and that there are no physical problems with your baby. I will point out key things to you until you begin to make sense of the images."

The probe glided over my now oily tummy and we began to see shapes that at first looked nothing like a baby. Kate pointed out the heart beating and the lungs that were trying to expand as our baby practiced breathing. She pointed out hands and feet and took measurements of the legs and arms, she didn't need to point out the head as both Edward and I gasped as it came into view.

Tears began to roll down my cheeks when saw a grainy profile of my baby. The baby featured Edward's Roman nose and square jaw from what we could gather from the images.

We both wondered if it would be a boy or a girl. We had discussed finding out the sex and had decided that we didn't want to know. We knew that love it no matter what.

I looked at Edward and was slightly surprised to see that his cheeks were also wet. His eyes met mine and he lifted our clasped hands up and kissed my knuckles. A look of love and utter devotion in his eyes.

"Well Mr. and Mrs. Cullen from what I can see, you have a baby that has the correct amount of limbs and fingers and toes. I can not see any problems with any of the organs, but I can't guarantee that there will not be any problems. Your measurements are perfect, and the dates that you have been given all seem to be correct. Would you like to take a picture away with you from the scan?"

We both nodded, unable to keep the smile of joy from our faces.

Now that we had passed the danger period, and we had seen for ourselves that our baby had no major problems, we knew that it was only fair to give in to both Alice and Esme. Who had been like British Bulldogs, wanting to out and buy everything that they could see for our baby.

We had discussed it and had agreed to give them free reign to decorate the large, bright airy room we had chosen in our house to be the nursery.

We walked away from the hospital with identical smiles on our faces after seeing the midwife who once again checked my blood pressure and urine for signs of infection. She had also listened to the thundering thumping of our baby's heartbeat. I vowed that next time I came I would take a recording, so I would be able to show them when they old enough just how that sound had reassured us so much.

Edward pulled his cell phone out of his pocket as we reached the car, "Alice its time."

I laughed as all I heard was the very excited squeal of one hyperactive pixie, with a heart the size of Texas.

_**A/N  
**_

_**I decided to start this story from the twenty week scan, as this is when most people begin to relax and think that they are over the danger period. I wanted to show the novelty and joy that comes with the first pregnancy, when you are not aware that things can and do go wrong.**_

_**I am not going to put a time-scale on updating this story, as it is one that is going to take a lot out of me and my darling Beta readers Fallenangell10 and Zenone both mentally and emotionally. We want to do it justice, so please have patience with us.  
Love and hugs  
Sarah**_


	3. expectant daddy

Thank you so much for all the reviews. It means so much to me that people are reading this story. I truly hope as this story progresses, it will help others realize how important it is to be able to support an angel parent. And to give you some idea of how stillbirth effects them.

I hope and pray you never have to go through this, but if you do, I want to offer my sincerest condolences and I am so sorry for your loss.

I have decided I am going to write the next few chapters from different points of view, people who are important in Bella and Edwards life.

The majority of this story will be told by Bella, but I think it's important for you to understand how excited the others feel about the impending arrival

.

Thank you to my amazing Betas, Fallenangell10 and Zenone

**Edward's POV**

To say that I had been more than a little shocked when Bella gave me the pregnancy test, would be trivializing it. I was stunned. We had been a couple for just eighteen short months, and had been married for only three months.

We had discussed having children. Agreeing that we wanted to enjoy our time together as a couple, for at least two years before we began trying for a family of our own.

Once the initial shock had worn off though, I was elated. The thought of seeing Bella, her stomach rounded and swollen with my child made my heart expand in ways that I never thought possible.

I began to search the internet, looking through pregnancy sites and forums even joining one for fathers to be. I wanted to know what symptoms she would experience, and what I could do to help alleviate them a little.

I also spoke to Carlisle at length, even though he wasn't an obstetrician. He had worked a little in maternity during his training and could recall some things. Such as: Bella could no longer eat shell fish, pate or nuts. He even explained the pros and cons of both natural birth and caesarian sections.

I seemed to have a never ending supply of questions, and was thankful for the forum that I joined. They answered most of them without me having to ask. I also started looking at what the baby would look like at each stage. When I read it was able to recognize voices and sounds, I stared talking to it.

In the end, I told Bella that I had been asking around , because she couldn't understand where all my knowledge had come from. At first I was a little embarrassed, owning up to what I had been doing. But I wanted her to know that I wanted to support her all the way through. I told her I was curious about what she would be going through and how the baby would be doing .

The fact that I had been prepared to do all this , brought us even closer than before. Even though I was utterly terrified about becoming a parent, not that I didn't want to be, but because I didn't think I would know how to be one. I'd never spent any time around young children and was worried I would fail.

Sitting in the hospital's waiting room for the twenty week ultrasound, was so nerve racking. I was excited beyond belief that we would get to see our baby for the first time. We had discussed finding out the sex and had decided we didn't want to do so, we wanted the full experience of being new parents.

We were called into the room, and Kate, the sonographer, explained she would be taking measurements to make sure that the baby was growing as it should. She also would be checking all the major organs. Kate promised she would point out certain things on the monitor in front of us.

I sat on the chair while Bella lay on the bed. Watching with curiosity as a clear gel was squeezed onto her stomach and a probe was pushed up and over it.

The monitor in front of us grew grainy and grey and I felt my heart swell with pride as I caught first glimpse of our child. I couldn't help but wonder if this was how my parents had felt when they had been expecting me. Had my father sat here wanting to cry, as he saw me for the first time?

I didn't even try and hide the joyous tears that were streaming down my face. I gripped Bella's hand tighter, as the emotions in me threatened to boil over. I felt so proud that we had created this tiny life. I looked at Bella, noticing she too was crying.

I leaned over showering her face with kisses and whispering, "there it is Bella, there's our baby."

She had a look of total awe on her face. It was as though she was unable to believe she had nurtured this tiny life from an egg into a tiny full formed baby nestled deep within her womb.

We purchased two pictures once Kate had told us the scan was clear. Everything had looked normal, I couldn't wait to show them to everybody. This was my baby, and I felt as though I was on top of the world. I don't think that anyone had ever wanted a child like I wanted this one.

Hearing Bella tell me I could go ahead and give my pixie sister the good news about decorating the nursery, made me the happiest man alive. It really was happening! I was going to be a dad!

Please leave a review, I'd really like to know what my readers thoughts are.

Love and hugs

sar

xxxx


	4. Happy family

Alice's POV

Oh my God, oh my God! I was going to be an Aunt! I don't think that anything could have made me any happier than I was, when Bella and Edward had told me that they were expecting.

I wanted to go out right away and start shopping for the baby, there was so much that needed to be bought.

Unfortunately, they had both told me that I wasn't allowed to even think about buying or planning anything, until after the twenty week ultrasound. They wanted to make sure that everything was going to be okay. No matter how much I begged, nagged and bothered them the answer had always been no.

I have to admit, I had been surprised when they told me, I always thought it would be Rose and Emmett who would make me an aunty first. They had been together for what felt forever. I knew Emmett had always wanted to have children, but I was unsure Rose was ready to ruin her super model figure just yet.

Bella and I had been close, ever since I first met her when she started school at Forks. She quickly became my best friend. I offered to go to appointments if she needed me to, and asked if she would consider me being there for the birth.

I'd stay up at the top end if that is what she wants, I just think that this would cement the already solid relationship we have. Moving us from being best friends, to being sisters. I would be honored to be there, to see my niece or nephew being born, it would create a bond that no one can break.

I loved the thought of a baby in the family, they are so innocent and loved you unreservedly. I hoped the baby and I have the same kind of relationship I have with my own Aunt. I loved her almost as much as I loved my mum and I knew that she would always be there for me.

She's the person I had turned to for advice on what to do about Jasper. She also was the one who indulged my love of shopping and designing, and rearranging rooms. My aunt encouraged me to make a career out of my passion. I was now a successful designer of both clothing , also soft furnishings, mostly for bedrooms and children's nurseries.

I couldn't help but dance around my plush studio hoping they would let me design and arrange the nursery for them. I wanted to be able to make it a place fit for a princess or a prince.

I had begged them to find out the sex of the baby but they had both refused, saying that they wanted to keep the surprise. Huh, I think they just wanted to make it harder for me when it comes to decorating.

I received the call from Edward saying that the scan had gone well. he and Bella were now giving me the green light to start on the nursery.

I couldn't wait! I was going to be the best Aunty that any child could ever want.

**Charlie's POV**

I was going to be a Grandpa! I have to admit that when I was told I didn't know whether to be happy or not. In my head, I still saw Bella as the innocent seventeen year old that came to live with me.

Even though I walked her down the aisle, and watched her marry Edward .She is still my baby girl and I have a hard time seeing her as a grown adult.

Once I'd had time to think about it, and get over the initial shock, I could see myself walking around holding a baby. My grandchild.

I would have the chance to do all the things that I missed out on when Bella was growing up. It was as though I had been given a second chance to try and make things right.

I know I love my daughter more than anything in the world, but I have always had such a hard time telling her. I'm a very reserved non-touchy feely person. I try and show my love through my actions, it's not always easy. I hope this baby will help me change that.

The first thing I can do is refurbish the rocking crib that has been in the Swan family for generations. I need to talk to Billy, because it needs major renovation work. He is amazing with wood and I know that he will put all his love and effort into it.

I received the call from Bella letting me know that the scan had gone okay, and there had been no problems detected. I called Billy and arranged to go over to La Push to finally begin the work. I hadn't wanted to start it any sooner, I had too much suspicion.

I went up into the attic making my way over to the back, where I put the baby things when Renee had left with Bella. There was the swinging crib and also some clothes which had been Bella's, including a Christening gown that had been handed down through the generations. I hoped that she would like them and that they would mean as much to her as they had to me.

My first grandchild was going to sleep in the same crib that had held my daughter, I couldn't be happier.

**Jasper's POV**

Edward was exuberant when he finally told me that Bella was expecting, and his happiness seemed to make the whole room brighter. I'd had a feeling that something was different for at least a week. It wasn't something that they did or said, but rather the subtle changes that they exhibited. Edward seemed to hover around Bella, as if connected by an invisible thread. Bella's face seemed to soften, and her looks became more gentle, even though she wasn't aware of it at the time and I was so happy for them.

I couldn't wait to have a baby around , I had always been good with children, I just loved their enthusiasm for life and their infectious laughs and giggles, and i loved what they did to a family, children had a way of bringing families closer.

I was looking forward so much to seeing my brother with a baby in his arms, i knew that he was going to make a fantastic, attentive daddy and i knew that Bella would make a loving and protective mummy.

I knew one day Alice wanted us to have a family of our own. I also knew just how much she was going to love this baby, and I couldn't wait to see it nestled in her arms.

Alice asked for my help getting the nursery decorated, and I agreed. I wanted to know that everything was safe and that it was what Edward and Bella would want as i knew what Alic and Esme could be like. Even though i knew that Edward had checked all the furniture when it had been delivered i still wanted to go over where my niece or nephew would be sleeping so that i could satisfy myself that it was all safe.

I knew that Alice had asked if Bella and Edward would find out the sex of the baby and they had refused and i knew that she was sulking about that, I wasn't bothered either way. If it was a boy, we could play out the battles of the Civil War, just as I had as a child. If it was a little girl, Alice and I would dress her up as the prettiest Southern Belle that had ever lived..." .

I was going to try and be the best Uncle I could, making sure the baby knew it was always loved, and would always have someone to go to and that it would always be protected.

**Carlisle's POV**

Getting the news that I was going to be a grandfather, had to have been one of the best days of my life.

I knew that Edward was shocked over the pregnancy, they had wanted to wait. But, even with precautions, accidents can and do happen. And, because of the stomach flu that Bella had experienced…well… it resulted in this.

Family is important to me, I would always regret that Esme and I had never been able to have a biological child. That chance had died with our son, and the complications that had arisen.

I loved my adoptive children with all my heart, and to see them so happy and exited about the impending arrival warmed my heart.

I know Edward wanted to be able to give the child the start in life he never had, I knew that he was going to make a fantastic father.

I couldn't wait to be able to hold my first grandchild in my arms, and be able to do all the things a grandparent should. To be able to spoil them, and take them out for the day, to feel the immense pride only a grandparent could.

I had been so happy when Edward had come to me, asking my advice on Bella's symptoms. He wanted to know what to expect when it came to the delivery. He was so nervous, he was almost sick with it. I tried to recall all I could do from my time on labor and delivery.

I knew unfortunately, there wasn't always a happy ending, but, it was always something that happened to other people. Even so, I couldn't bring myself to relax and celebrate properly until they had been for the scan.

I received the phone call telling me that everything was going to be okay, that the baby was healthy.

I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face, sheer joy and relief coursed through my veins, both Bella and the baby were okay. I allowed myself to relax then, finally enjoying the prospect of becoming a grandparent.

I can not express in words how proud I was of my son, and how much the arrival of this baby would mean, both to me and to the entire family.

**A/N**

**I know that I have done this in an unusual way, but I think this will turn out to be an integral part of this story further on. Especially, when we see the reactions from the family members regarding the devastating news.**

**Please leave a review, so I know your views. Let me know if I am managing to get this across right.**

**Love and hugs,**

**Sar**

**xxxx**


	5. mixed emotions part 1

_**Once again, I want to thank everyone for their overwhelming support of this story. It means so much to know people are still reading it.**_

I also want apologize for the delay in updating. I was in a car accident recently, and it put me out of action for a little while. Hopefully, now that I'm on the mend, things will speed up a little.

I am continuing this chapter with some different points of view again. You'll get Bella's point of view soon.

A huge thank you to my two amazing Beta Readers, **Fallenangell2010 and ZenOne**, without their support this story wouldn't have come to light.

**See you at the bottom.**

**Renee's POV **

Ugh! How could Bella do this to me? I'm nowhere near old enough to be a grandmother yet. I wonder if they would allow the baby to call me a something other than Grandma? I doubted it to be honest, Edward was very traditional but I could try. The names Gran and Nan always conjured up thoughts of little old ladies with Gray hair, not vibrant women of my age.

I wondered who the baby would look like, I hoped it would be a mix of the two. Both of them have their good points. I had no doubt in my mind that it would be the most beautiful child ever to walk the face of this earth. Of course it would! It was my grandchild after all. I just wish that the poor thing manages to escape the clumsiness gene Bella seems to have gotten from somewhere. I hope the baby manages to inherit Alice's innate gracefulness instead.

I couldn't help but laugh when Alice had called me with the news. We had become close during the planning of the wedding. She'd been considerate enough to ask for my input and opinion, and for that I would always be grateful.

She had been so excited when she found out, and had called me practically screaming on the phone with joy.

She had asked me if I wanted any part in getting the baby's nursery decorated and set up. I don't mean anything bad, but why would I be bothered with the nursery?

It wasn't as though I was going to be spending a huge amount of time in the dreary little town of Forks. I hated the place, and wished that Bella and Edward could've been persuaded to move to Phoenix. Alas, both of them were adamant that they were happy in Forks.

Phil was ecstatic at the thought of becoming a Grandfather. Even though he was young, he wasn't fazed by it. If anything, it made the already close relationship he had with Bella even stronger. He'd taken to calling her every week, expecting updates on the pregnancy. He'd been waiting on tenterhooks for the phone call from Bella. He wanted to know how her sonogram went.

.

I wondered idly if the baby would be a boy or a girl, not that it would make any difference I assumed either way as it would always be dressed in the latest fashions. I knew for sure, him or her would be taught everything there is to know about baseball by both Phil and Charlie.

I really couldn't believe Charlie's reaction, I thought that he it would have been the same as mine.

Although Bella and Edward were married, I still thought that they were too young and too newly-wed to begin a family. I assumed that they would at have at least done some more with their lives before getting tied down with a child.

Instead, Charlie had reacted totally opposite of me. Like Phil, he couldn't wait for the baby to be born. And had even gone to the lengths of getting out Bella's old baby things for them.

I just hoped that they weren't making a mistake in not waiting. I also hoped that they would get to enjoy their lives and that the child would not stop them doing what they wanted.

**Jacob's POV**

Well, there went any chance I ever had of convincing Bella I could give her more than Cullen could. I knew she had married him, but I'd never given up hope she would one day come to her senses. Perhaps then sheo would realize she loved me as much as I loved her.

Bella had called me and said she wanted to meet. She had something important she wanted to tell me in person I'll to admit, I got a little excited. The last thing I had been expecting was her to tell me she was pregnant.

I could see from the glow surrounding her that she was ecstatic. I knew I had to find it deep within myself to be happy for her. No matter what my feelings were for her, the one thing I wanted more than anything was her happiness. I knew Cullen was the one who gave her that, the lucky fucker, he better take good care of her.

Edward had never done anything to purposely hurt me, I begrudgingly give him that. He was never aware of my feelings for Bella until their wedding day. I thought I had been good at hiding them, but he had seen through my mask and confronted me about them.

He asked me if Bella had ever been aware of my feelings for her, and I had answered him honestly when I said no. I told him if she had known, she would have never reciprocated them. I was her best friend, and had been since were tiny children.

I had made a promise to him that I would never reveal my feelings to her. And that I would never cause any trouble in their relationship. He had in turn promised, he would never try and stop the friendship between us. I think if things had been different, and I didn't harbor such jealousy, we could have become good friends. We both had so many things in common.

It had taken me right up until Bella's sonogram for me to admit I was getting excited about the baby coming. I had promised I would be the best kind of uncle any child could have. Even though we are not related by blood I would love it very much. I was going to take so much pleasure in teaching him or her all about the Res and the legends of my tribe.

A sense of relief that I felt was overwhelming when I finally got the call from Bella telling me that everything was okay. I had been thinking long and hard about a gift for the baby, but had wanted to wait and discuss my idea with Bella before starting it.

I had wanted to make something for the baby that also embraced the Quileute's heritage. I decided to makie a dream catcher. It could either be hung over the crib or in the nursery somewhere. I'd also added a small music box that played traditional lullabies.

I would always do what I could for Bella and the baby, and I suppose to some extent Edward as well. He seemed to be a pivotal point in the relationship.

_**Thanks all for reading xxxx**_


	6. mixed emotions part 2

_**Once again I want to thank everyone for their overwhelming support for this story. It means so much to know that people are still reading it.**_

_**I am continuing this chapter on from the last with some different pov from the family members and then the story will go back to Bella.**_

_**I also want to say a huge thank you to my two amazing Beta Readers, Fallenangell2010 and Zenone without whose support this story wouldn't have come to light.**_

_**See you at the bottom**_

_**Emmett's POV**_

WHOOOOOOHOOOOO! I was gonna be an uncle! It was the best news I'd had in such a long time.

Rose and I had gone through so much lately, trying unsuccessfully to conceive. It was nice to be given a reason to smile again, not just for us but for the whole family. Dad hadn't told anybody else about the losses that we had gone through, but they must have known that something has been going on. We are such a tight knit family.

We had been trying for our own child since we'd gotten married two years ago. Rose had gotten pregnant six times, but never managed to make it past that magical twelve weeks. You know, it's when you know things are safe.

We don't know if Rose's inability to carry a child was due to the trauma she had sustained at the hands of her bastard ex-fiancé. Unfortunately for us, we have been told we may never have children.

We had been trying almost obsessively for six months when we were given the news that Rose was suffering from unexplained infertility. Because nobody but dad was aware of all that had happened, we were constantly being asked by mum and Alice when we going to have children. Every time they asked, I would see Rose's heart break a little bit more. At least with Bella and Edward having a baby might appease them for a while.

I couldn't wait until the baby was born. I adored children, and the fact that this would be my flesh and blood made it all the more special.

I was lucky I had a very close relationship with my brother and Bella. It was why I had no concerns when I asked if I could be there at the birth. I had promised both Bella and Edward I would stay up at the top side of business if they would allow me to be there. I wanted to have a really special relationship with the baby, and I knew that it would be made all the more stronger if I could be there to witness it coming into the world.

I had spoken to Edward after the twenty week sonogram, and had been totally overwhelmed by emotion when he had confirmed that everything was healthy.

I had barely been able to talk through the lump that had formed in my throat. The lump had gotten bigger when Bella had asked if I wanted to be at the next sonogram, which would be in eight weeks time. They also wanted me to be at the hospital when the baby was born. Not in the delivery room while Bella was giving birth, that was something that they wanted to keep between the two of them. But in the waiting room in the labor and delivery suite. They would call me the minute the baby was born.

Neither one of them had any idea how much what they had offered meant to me. I told them I would be honored to be there. I had to put the phone down afterwards, before I broke down with both happy tears for my brother, and sad ones for what Rose and I were missing out on. I didn't yet know how to tell Rose what they told about me. I knew she was going to get upset because they hadn't involved her.

Rose was finding it hard to be happy for them because of what we had gone through. And it was coming across to them as though she didn't care, which wasn't the case at all. It was going to be a very difficult discussion to have.

**Rose's POV**

IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR! Why did Bella get through twenty weeks with her first totally unplanned child? Yet I could never manage to make it to twelve weeks with each one of my very much planned and wanted babies.

Six times I have been pregnant and six times I have bled and miscarried. Each loss had been like a stab to the heart, I feel I'll never recover from.

Emmett and I have been so desperate for a baby of our own. We've been trying since our wedding night.

Nobody but Emmett, Carlisle and I know about my babies. I just couldn't face the look of pity in peoples eyes if we had had to tell them again and again the baby was no longer there, and that once again it wont be happening for us.

We don't have a medical reason why my body wont carry my children, but I have a theory… it is all had to do with that bastard -Royce fucking King-. He raped me so violently, he damaged my insides. I was lucky I lived that day, but there are times like this when I wish I hadn't.

The final and most devastating blow had been delivered to us by our consultant. We had been trying again almost to the point of obsession for six months to fall pregnant again, it just wasn't happening. We hadn't had any problems in the past, so we didn't understand why this time was different. We were both sent for a variety of tests. Finally I was told that I was experiencing unexplained infertility. They didn't think there would be any chance of us having a child of our own.

I was happy for Bella and Edward truly, I was. I just found it hard to be around them, because I was so insanely jealous of them. Well, jealous of the fact that they could get the happiness and the child I so badly craved.

When I received the call from Emmett letting me know everything was okay for them, I broke down and cried. I cried tears of relief for them, I knew that Bella wasn't yet feeling a great deal of movement and she had needed the reassurance from her scan. Then I cried tears of guilt and shame, I would never wish the pain of a miscarriage on anyone. However, in my subconscious mind I had wished she wouldn't be having such a trouble free and easy pregnancy, which was exactly what she was having. I felt deeply ashamed of myself for even thinking that.

Emmett had told me they had asked for him to go the next sonogram. They also wanted him to be at the hospital when the baby was born. I could hear the hesitation in his voice when he told me. I knew he was scared and nervous of upsetting me, they hadn't included me in any of these plans. Although it hurt, in all honesty I could understand why. And it was that day that I made a determined effort to enjoy the pregnancy for the sake of my family, enjoy the fact that I was going to be an aunt. I vowed to try my best to put aside my own feelings of jealousy and resentment and be happy for them.

I wanted to get a gift, something that would always remain special to the baby. Something to show how much it was loved and adored before it was even born. I scoured the shops until I came home with two. One was a small silver Winnie the Pooh with a honey pot that said "Always Auntie's little honey". The second one was a cream cashmere blanket that had all the Pooh characters on it. I had each family members name embroidered under a character and left space for the babies name and date of birth to be added later.

I wanted them to see I did care so very much. I wanted them to know I was going to love and spoil the baby as though it were my own.

_**A/N**_

_**Once again thank you so much for reading. The next chapter is quite an important one and will be up soon xxx**_


	7. Chapter A Grandmas emotions

_******Esme's POV**_

Finding out Bella was pregnant had been one of the happiest days of my life. I always hoped that one day my children would bless me with grandchildren.

Although, I will admit I thought it would be Rose and Emmett first, there had been so many times that I'd had my suspicions that they were about to make an announcement butt it had never come.

Edward had always been the one who had been adamant that he and Bella wait. He wanted to do all the things newly-weds do first, before they settled down fully.

As happy as I was for them, hearing about their pregnancy brought back the memories of Daniel whom I had long ago buried. Daniel had been me and Carlisle's only biological child.

Daniel was conceived while we were on our honeymoon. Although we were deeply shocked, we were both ecstatically happy to be having a family of out own.

We knew that it was going to be difficult, Carlisle was still a medical student and I had just opened my first interior design business. However, we were prepared for it and knew we would do everything we could for our child.

I had a trouble free pregnancy up until I reached twenty six weeks. It was then when I began feeling ill. I also had been getting severe headaches for a week. I decided I would go to my midwife, so she could check both the baby and I.

Luckily, her office was located in the same hospital that Carlisle was doing his internship at.

When I arrived ,the midwife immediately asked for a urine sample,. She and told me she would be checking my blood pressure too. I wasn't worried at all, these were all normal procedures for an OB checkup especially since I was pregnant. But, for some reason she seemed to be a little more concerned than normal, especially when I explained how I'd been feeling.

When both of these checks had been performed, she checked my temperature and the babies heartbeat. She then made three emergency calls without explaining to me what was happening. The first had been to Carlisle, advising him to get to her office as quickly as possible. The second and third had been to my obstetrician and to the neonatal intensive care unit. These were all based in the same hospital.

She hadn't yet told me what was happening, and I admit I was more than petrified, I felt frantic with worry. An uneasy feeling was settling in the pit of my stomach, making me feel even more ill than I already was when I first came in.

Thankfully, Carlisle arrived to her office within minutes. It was then that she finally sat down and explained to us that I had developed something Pre-eclampsia . I'd heard the term before, but I knew nothing about it. Only that it could be dangerous to the mother if it was left untreated. I hoped whatever treatment they gave me wouldn't harm the baby in any way.

Never, for as long as I live, will I forget the way I felt when they told me the only cure was to deliver the baby by an emergency caesarian that afternoon. If the baby wasn't delivered there was a chance we both wouldn't make it.

I remember looking at Carlisle for reassurance and seeing nothing but pure naked fear in his eyes. Fear that he would lose both his wife and his child. Seeing that look made the decision for me, there was no way I could even think of saying no. I was going to be a mommy, therefore, I had to do everything in my power to save my child.

As we waited for both consultants to arrive, we just stood and held each other in shock and fear. Shock that we were going to be having our baby this afternoon, and fear of what would happen to the baby once it was born.

When they both arrived, a time was set for the c-section. An intensive care cot was booked for the baby.

The NICU team explained what would happen once our baby came into this world. They also explained that there would be tubes and machines to help the baby breathe, eat, and keep warm. They told us the baby was going to be very small.

All we could try and do was focus on the positive side of things. We were going to be parents before the day was out!

I was taken down to theatre later that day but sadly things didn't go well, complications arose, which meant that the chance of me ever having another child again was taken away from me. When I awoke from the anesthetic, I was informed that Daniel Keelan Cullen had been born at 15:31, weighing a tiny one pound nine ounces. He had been rushed straight into the intensive care suite where they were stabilizing him. It was the best feeling in the world knowing I had a son, he had been born and was going to be okay.

The first three days of his life, Daniel seemed to be doing so well, I had been expressing my milk and his tiny stomach had been tolerating it so well. He didn't even try and fight the mask covering his tiny face,. It provided him with oxygen he needed until his lungs were big enough to support themselves.

We received a devastating phone call in the early hours of the morning. Daniel was just four days old. We rushed round to his cot, only to be told that he had suffered severe brain hemorrhage. He had also developed an infection in his stomach. We had known these were possibilities, as he was so premature, but didn't think that fate would be so cruel.

We given the worst news possible that a new parent could ever hear, our tiny son was not going to make it. As they began removing the all the wires and machines from his body I couldn't help the gut wrenching sobs that escaped me. I wanted to yell, to scream to hit something or someone. I wanted to beg the doctors to try and do something, anything to help resuscitate my precious baby boy. Unfortunately, I knew in my heart it would be useless. I watched helplessly as they placed our little angel in Carlisle's arms, where he took his final breaths surrounded by his mommy and daddy who loved him so very much.

That had been the worst day of my life, I would never ever forget my tiny son. I never thought my life would have any meaning to it. Until the day we were told by the adoption agency that we were finally allowed to bring home the two small green eyed boys and a tiny dark haired baby girl.

We vowed there and then that we would make the best parents possible, making sure these children would always know love and acceptance.

I knew that it was something I would continue to do with my grandchild. I would make sure he or she always knew that they would be loved, protected and cherished for all their life.

**__****A/N**

_**I know in the original books Esme never mentioned her child's name. I just want to say, I chose the names in memory of two of my nephews; Daniel, who was born sleeping almost 18 years ago and Keelan who became an angel three days after he was born.**_

_**Thank you for reading this story, once again I hope I am giving it the justice it deserves xxxxxxx**_


	8. twenty four weeks

_Hi, I just wanted to say a huge thank you to the amazing response that this story is receiving. I know it is hard to read, and it will get much tougher, so those of you that are sticking with it; thank you._

_***I want to warn you, this chapter does mention Rape; I hope it doesn't offend anyone. I don't go into graphic detail, but it is an essential part of the story.***_

_Lots and lots of love and hugs to my amazing Betas **Zenone and Fallenangell2010**, who have both gone through tragedy and lost a close family member. Yet they still make time to give me love and encouragement. I love you both! My ramblings would be nothing without you, so thank you from the bottom of my heart xxxxxxxxxxxx_

I lay in the tub relaxing in the warm water. I enjoyed watching my swollen stomach change and move each time the baby shifted position or kicked. I had quickly grown to love these times, cherishing each and everyone, making them memories to tell the baby when it was older. I squeezed the baby bath scented water over my stomach, reveling in each different twist and turn happening deep inside me.

I had a small but obvious pregnant bump. A bump I proudly displayed in the stylish new maternity clothes Alice had forced me to buy, after it became obvious I could no longer fasten my clothes around my waist or my already engorged breasts. It had been fascinating watching how my body had changed and softened as my pregnancy had progressed. I loved how Edward reacted to the changes in me. I'd been afraid he would be repulsed by my softening body and new shape,instead he'd become more attentive, our love making had taken on a deeper more meaningful dimension.

We often spoke of what would happen when the baby arrived and what we wanted for our child. The whole family was so involved, all of them vying for the position of chief babysitter. Rosalie had been the one that had eventually won that argument, much to everyone's shock, except mine. She had been so cold towards me, more so since she had found out about the pregnancy. I could never understand why. She had never got involved in any of the conversations, always appearing aloof and uninterested.

That had all changed after my main sonogram.

I heard nothing at all from her saying she was pleased that the baby was healthy. If I'm being honest with myself I wasn't overly shocked. Rose amd I never had what you could call a close relationship, in fact I had always been under the impression that she didn't approve of me. Although, for the life of me I don't know what I had done to upset her. I received a phone call from her two weeks ago, which came as a huge surprise. I had resigned myself to the fact that we were never going to have any kind of relationship. When she had asked if it would be okay for her to come around and see me, I agreed with a small amount of trepidation, and an enormous amount of curiosity. She sounded so very un-Rose like.

I answered the door when she arrived, apprehension swirling around my stomach, adding to the feeling of nausea that was constantly present. The Rosalie who stood at my door was certainly not one that I expected. She had an air of fragility and vulnerability about her I had never seen before, I'd never imagined that Rose would be capable of feeling fragile nor vulnerable. She was always so confident and self-assured.

Stepping aside to let her in, I didn't say anything, wanting to wait for her to make the first move. I was becoming increasingly nervous. She gave me a small smile in greeting but would not meet my eyes. She walked through the house and headed straight for the kitchen. Leaning back against the counter top her eyes swept hesitantly around before resting on a small pile of tiny baby clothes. A look of pure agony flashed across her perfect features and I didn't understand why, but I knew that I was going to find out.

"How are you Bella?"

"I'm fine, thanks Rosalie," I answered. Confusion lacing my tone as I asked, "Why are you here Rosalie?"

She looked up, but still couldn't meet my gaze. I instinctively knew there was something she had to say and it wasn't going to be easy for her. She was behaving so unlike herself, I was beginning to get concerned.

"I came to give you this, and to try and explain my behavior towards you."

She handed me a package wrapped in beautiful soft lemon colored paper. It felt soft and squashy to the touch, and I looked at her questioningly.

"Open it, please," was her only response.

I gently pulled the paper apart, careful not to rip it. Inside was a soft cream cashmere blanket and as I pulled it out I saw that it had been embroidered with the characters from Winnie the Pooh. Each family member had been assigned a character. There was a space left under Roo for the baby's name. I ran my fingers over each name, pausing when I came to Rabbit. Underneath it, Auntie Rose had been embroidered.

"Thank you, Rosalie, it's beautiful."

She finally lifted her eyes to meet mine and I was astounded to see that they were full of grief, regret and tears.

"Rosalie, what's wrong? I know we are not exactly friends but I can't bear to see you upset."

"I'm sorry Bella. I'm sorry for the way I have treated you in the past and the way I have avoided you and given everyone the impression that I don't care about you or the baby. The truth is… I am so jealous of you, it blinded me to the person you really are."

"What! Rosalie why would you be jealous of me? Look at you, how you look and what you have got. If anything, it should be the other way around."

"Looks can be deceiving Bella," She took in a long shaky breath before continuing, her voice soft and filled with utter sadness.

"Bella you have everything I have ever wanted, a life filled with innocence, where nothing bad has ever happened to you. I am almost insane with jealousy that you are pregnant and will get to bring your baby home. I wish with all my heart that I still had innocence and that I could bring a child home."

"I still don't understand… what you are trying to tell me Rose. What happened to you to make you so envious of me?"

"I was twenty two; I had been in a relationship with a man named Royce King for almost a year. He was a high flying business man, one night he went out with some business associates in hopes of getting them to sign a contract. One he had been working on a contract that would guarantee his rise in the company. At the time I was still living with my parents and Jasper, but Jasper was staying with Alice and my parents had gone away to celebrate their anniversary. So I was left alone in the house. Royce knew I was alone and when his night ended badly he decided that he would come round to me."

Rose stopped, her beautiful face troubled, yet her eyes were totally blank now; lacking any kind of emotion as she continued to stare at me.

"Rosalie, you don't have to explain anything to me. Please I can see what this is doing to you."

"I have to tell you Bella, you need to understand. Please, just give me a minute, it's hard to remember. It was obvious when I opened the door that he was very drunk, and in a foul mood. During the time that we had been together I had seen him drunk and annoyed, but never had I seen him as bad as that night. He pushed his way in and began to say some vile, horrible things. I refused to listen to him or let him take his mood out on me, so I began to walk away, I didn't want to hear what was spewing from his mouth. That really pissed him off and he grabbed hold of my arm hard. He thrust me against the wall and punched me, it wasn't hard enough to knock me unconscious, but it was enough to stun me. Royce King raped me repeatedly that night beating me so badly, that when he left I didn't know or care if I would survive. I never spoke to anyone about it until I met Emmett, even Jasper and my parents thought that I had got into a fight with one of the local girls over Royce. I was too ashamed to admit to anyone that I had been too weak to stop him."

"Oh Rosalie, I'm so, so, sorry for what that bastard did to you and for what he put you through. I still don't understand how this relates to me though."

"My story isn't quite finished yet. I had found out on the morning of the attack that I was four weeks pregnant with his child. When he beat me and kicked me repeatedly, it caused me to lose my unborn child . There is only Carlisle who is aware, and now you know. I could never tell Emmett because he would find him and kill him. I don't want the bastard to be the cause of me loosing Emmett too."

I was crying openly now, I don't know how Rose managed to survive something like that. I could fully understand her reasons for keeping it from Emmett, and I admired her love for him.

"That's not all, for the last four years since Emmett and I married we have been trying desperately for a baby. I have fallen pregnant six times, but each time I have miscarried the baby before twelve weeks. We have now been told I am suffering from unexplained infertility, they have said that if by some miracle I do fall pregnant, then I am unlikely to carry a child to term because of the damage that he caused. This is why I acted how I did. Bella, I envied you so much. You still have your innocence and naivety that I lost. And all because of my stupid jealousy, I couldn't bring myself to be around you or try and get to know you and I regret that. I'm so sorry I acted so cold and unfeeling towards the pregnancy; I just couldn't cope with being around you. While trying to show a happy face, because inside I was dying, wishing it was me. We never told anyone but Carlisle about our babies, I didn't want to have to see the pity in their eyes when they heard it had happened again, I couldn't have bared it. I remember being on tenterhooks waiting for the phone call from Emmett to let me know you and the baby were healthy. The relief I felt was overwhelming and it seemed to open the floodgates allowing me to experience feelings I have tried to repress for so long, it allowed me to grieve for my lost children."

"Rose, I don't know what to say to you apart from thank you for trusting me enough to tell me all this. I can't even begin to comprehend the pain and heartbreak you have gone through. I can now understand why you avoided me like you did; it wasn't out of dislike, but out of self protection."

"I had to Bella. I had held so much back and I had so much grief and anger inside me. I was afraid if I let my guard down it would erupt and manifest itself in the wrong way. At least doing it when I was ready has given me the opportunity to make sure that I can be close to this baby if you'll let me. I want to be the best Auntie I can be. I know it's going to take a while for you to trust me, but I really hope we can try. The only thing I ask is that you don't tell anyone of this, even Edward. I'm not ready for anyone else to know yet."

"I won't breathe a word, Rose, I promise. Thank you again for trusting me, and telling me what happened. I really do hope that when the baby is born, you will be extra close and I know you will make the most loving and protective Aunt any child will ever need."

I'm still brought to tears every time I think back to that conversation, it had explained so much. Rose, Alice, and I spoke everyday now, my relationship with them has changed so much. I even have asked them if they would be present when the baby is born.

Edward had noticed the dramatic change in Rose's behavior, and also in our relationship. But, when he questioned me about it, I could only tell him that Rose and I had spoken, and that I would not break her confidence.

I was due to see the midwife today and I am looking forward to seeing how Cookie and I were progressing. Yes, I said Cookie, I had begun to hate the way that people said "The Baby" or even worse "It". But because we had made the decision to not find out the sex, it's harder for people to say anything else. So Edward and I discussed iy and the name Cookie was decided.

I love going to the Midwife and hearing the reassuring thumping of Cookie's heart beat. I'm so sure Cookie is a girl and yet Edward is adamant that we were having a boy. My appointment isn't for another two and a half hours, so I decide that the time had come for a power sleep. Although, I feel as healthy as a horse, I find myself tiring quickly.

After calling Edward to remind him what time we are due at the hospital, I fall into a deep sleep. My sleep since becoming pregnant has been peppered with some of the strangest dreams I have ever experienced and today's was no exception.

In my dream, I'm no longer pregnant but lay in the maternity ward, having given birth to a beautiful baby boy. I look down into the crib that's been placed by the side of the bed, only to find that my baby had been replaced by a sweet looking baby girl.

"Whose baby is this?"

"Bella the baby is ours, he's in the crib."

"No! You don't understand where is my baby? The baby that is in here is a girl, and I had a baby boy. Where is my son? This baby is not mine!"

Esme walked into the room and to everyone's utter amazement said in a soft voice. "Bella you are right this is not your son, because she is my daughter."

The bleeping of my alarm wakes me before the dream was complete, it was by far the strangest and most realistic dream that I've had so far. Most of them are filled with bright swirling images with colors that are so vivid and vibrant that I'm amazed that my imagination can even come up with them.

I get out of bed and take care of my toilet business; this has to be one of the things that I dislike about pregnancy, the need to pee constantly. After running a brush through the tangle that's my hair so it goes back to its thick lustrous waterfall, I pull my jacket on and walk down to the kitchen. Grabbing a bottle of Coke from the fridge, I find my purse and car keys and make my way to the silver Volvo Edward insists I drive, instead of my beloved truck. The radio comes on as I start the engine and the Song Better in Time is on, singing along I drive to the hospital where I'm due to meet Edward.

Edward meets me at the main entrance and pulls me into his arms. Placing a tender kiss on my forehead as he lays his palm against my stomach where Cookie is dancing.

"I missed you today darling, Kate and Siobhan have been asking after you and Cookie."

"We've missed you too sweetheart. How are the girls doing? I will have to come into the office and see them and catch up on the gossip, it's been an age since I saw them last."

"They would love to see you, let me know which day you will be coming and I will arrange for Mrs. Cope to have lunch delivered in for us."

"Oh that would be lovely, hiring her was the best thing that you ever did. She always makes time to ask how I am and she makes sure that she orders in my favorite food."

We walk through the doors and the smell of the hospital assaults our noses, it's a unique scent of antiseptic, cleaning products, baby talcum powder and flowers. It smells sterile, yet stale at the same time. We walk hand in hand through the off white corridors until we reach the double wooden doors that lead through to the reception area of the midwives office.

It's as though we've entered a different world when we push through them, the cold hard floors give way to plush carpet and softly painted cream walls are adorned with posters advocating the benefits of breast feeding and skin to skin contact. There also posters showing your baby's development at different gestational stages of your pregnancy. At twenty four weeks it shows that Cookie is a perfect, tiny little baby. The posters say that at twenty four weeks a baby becomes viable. I make a note to ask Julie our new midwife what it means as I'm unsure. It also advises us that babies who are born at this stage weigh approximately two pounds.

Babies born that early now have a good chance at survival thanks to the wonders of the modern hospital, although they would spend the first months of their lives in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit because they would be unable to breathe for themselves. Their tiny lungs would not be developed enough. I had heard of the rare occasion where a baby hadn't been able to survive, and although I felt badly for the parents and families I tried not to dwell on it too much.

A large blonde haired woman comes into the reception a huge friendly smile on her round face.

" Are you Mr. and Mrs. Cullen? My name is Julie Duke; I will be your midwife for the remainder of your pregnancy. I hope you received my letter"

"Hi. Yes we did, thank you and please call me Bella. This is Edward my husband, and it's a pleasure to meet you."

"Come on through, and let me have a look through your notes."

We follow her and sit down. I pass her my maternity notes and also the urine samples that I'm asked to take to every appointment. Julie takes her time reading, asking intermittent questions. Her friendly nature puts me at ease and makes any nerves I may have been feeling to bed.

"So Bella, you have already had your twenty week scan. I'm so glad to say that everything appears to be healthy and developing just as it should. Did you find out the sex of your baby?"

"No we decided that we would wait until Cookie was born."

"Cookie?"

I go on to explain the reasoning why we've decided to name our unborn baby after a food. Julie laughs when I explain that the name came about as it was the only thing Edward eats everyday without fail.

"That makes sense. Okay, I want to discuss with you today your delivery, you have chosen to stay at Forks General… is that still the same, or have you changed your mind?"

"We would like to stay at Forks. That is where we live, so it seems to be the most sensible, and also my father works there and has told us about the excellent maternity and neonatal care."

"Yes the Neonatal care there is fantastic. In fact, I think now would be a good time for you to have a look around the delivery suite and the NICU. I will call and arrange it once I have examined you Bella."

After Julie takes the required blood and checks my blood pressure. She asks me to get up onto the bed so that she can feel what position Cookie is in. She then listens in on the heartbeat. Cookie is laid across my belly which explains why it contorts into such strange shapes. Julie explains it was nothing to be too concerned about; there is still plenty of room to enable Cookie to move. She squirts a small amount of gel onto my stomach and using the Doppler quickly finds the best sound in the world "Whoosh... Whoosh... Whoosh."

"Well Cookie's heartbeat is strong and steady, hopefully next time you come in baby will have moved and will be head down. Now, I need to ask about the delivery, you are allowed to have up to four people in the delivery suite with you. Have you had chance to think about who you want with you?"

I look at Edward as I know that he would not be expecting what I say next, and although he'll be upset because I hadn't discussed it with him, I knew he'll understand my decision.

"I would like Edward to be there with me, obviously, but I would also like to have Mrs. Alice Whitlock and Rosalie Cullen. Does the delivery suite have a waiting room attached to it?"

"Yes it does. Although, there are only four rooms available and they hold up to eight people in them. They are given on a first come first served basis unless there are extenuating circumstances."

An appointment is made for the following day so that we can go and look around the hospital. Julie advises us that some of the things we would see could be a little distressing, warning us to be prepared.

We are met at the main doors to the labor suite the following day by one of the midwives that were on duty.

"Hi, my name is Irina Denali. You must me Mr. and Mrs. Cullen,"

"Hi, yes I'm Bella and this is my husband Edward, thank you for taking the time out to show us around."

Irina decides to show us up to the maternity ward first. It's split into two sections, the Post natal and Ante natal sections, and they are then separated into smaller bays that hold four beds. Every effort has been made to make it as comfortable as possible. The bays feel small and intimate, completely unlike I expected them to be. I also notice that there are side rooms available and when I ask Irina she tells us that they are for the use of parents whose babies were in the NICU.

We walk from the maternity wards down to where the delivery suite is situated; as the doors open we are hit by a cacophony of screams, shouts and newborn cries. I turn to Edward feeling scared, he squeezes my hand in reassurance.

"Don't worry about the noise too much Bella," Irina assures me. "Not all women react like that, some ladies shout and scream as it's their way of dealing with the pain of labor. Some ladies don't make a great deal of noise but a lot of it depends on what pain relief they have decided on. Come; let me show you the delivery rooms."

We're shown into a large clinical room with soft lighting that offset the bright white walls. There is a hospital bed flanked on either side by two easy chairs or a machine with a monitor sits on top. The bed is large due to the attachments that can be removed for easier access.

Opposite the bed is a clear cot and a unit that holds an overhead heater and the tiniest oxygen mask I had ever seen. Irina explains to us that the resuscitator was in every room and is used for when babies are born prematurely, or if they need assistance breathing when they are first born.

Irina explains that there would be two midwives present; whilst I was in labor. And that the consultant would be present when it was time for me to deliver. Depending on what pain relief I decided on would decide if there had to be anyone else present.

We walk through the delivery suite so that we can be shown around the NICU. We are taken the long way around so the women that were in labor could be given their privacy. We come across a large white door with a plaque on it naming it "The Snowdrop Suite".

"What's The Snowdrop Suite? Is it for someone who has paid more to go private?"

"No this is a bereavement suite. It is a special room for parents who know that their baby is too ill to survive the birth, or for babies that have been born far too early."

My eyes fill with tears as I think of how they must feel, but I can't even begin to imagine just how hard that must be. I run my hand over my bump and feel Cookie move. I'm so glad that I have been told that my baby is healthy and that I'm now at a stage in my pregnancy where Cookie will survive if born now. Irina urges us past the door and on our way to where the NICU is situated.

Going into the NICU almost breaks my heart, seeing the tiny babies surrounded by wires and machines and covered in tubes was more than I can take. I walk around listening to Irina explain to us what each machine is for with tears streaming down my cheeks. I know the babies that are in here are in the best place possible, but I pray with my whole being that Cookie would never have to spend time here.

A/N

WOW. Thanks for reading! That was in some ways hard to write, yet in others easy. Because most of that happened to me in my pregnancy. Sending lots of love and gentle hugs

Sarah xxxxx


	9. an

Hi all,

Just a quick authors note to say that i am sooo sorry that i have not updated for ages i have been in and out of hospital and now my laptop has died. I am working on future chapters and haven't given up on the story.

Thank you soo much for sticking with me i love you all for it

Lots and lots of love

Sar

xxxx


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